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The listings for the John F. Kennedy Center in Washington shows a lighthearted bilingual production and an improvised Shakespeare troupe. Conspicuously missing from the public schedule is the upcoming global football draw, likely because it is a exclusively private event. Planners seem intent on keep out any unwanted attendees from gaining entry at what promises to be an drawn-out, self-aggrandizing ceremony where highly compensated celebrities will undoubtedly echo the well-worn cliche that "soccer brings together the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Line-Up

A glamorous ceremony is scheduled to be emceed by former model and TV host Heidi Klum alongside diminutive US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on red-carpet duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving correspondent. Collectively, they will host a ceremony that will certainly have English football fans nostalgic for longing for the halcyon, pomp-free days of former managers, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a reliable velvet bag of simple, numbered balls.

Slated to last almost three grueling hours, the event will include a lengthy playlist of lengthy speeches, overly sentimental highlight reels, approved jokes, celebrity guests, musical turns from artists with perhaps no embarrassment or financial motivations, and then... finally, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Draw Duty

Among those helping to conducting the draw? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and baseball slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the vast, untapped reservoir of charisma exhibited by these veteran sporting legends, short of an armed security team storming the ceremony, it's hard to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

Actually, not much, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's well-documented World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an obsequious English yes-man is any kind of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for average fans, the response was vague. "In my view we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are aware of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," he added. The implication seemed to be that premium costs are acceptable when compared with other luxury items.

The Football Business

With over forty teams already qualified for next year's jamboree and another six set to qualify, there will be a real feeling of excitement once the preliminaries conclude and the actual draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three teams their own country will face in the group stages, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which precedes the reveal of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever award for peace for "individuals who help unite people in peace through unwavering dedication and notable deeds." Considering the draw is in the US capital and the World Cup is mostly in the United States, guesses about the recipient are widespread, even if the hints are apparent.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My connection with him is very strong really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever" – comments from a manager whose side on a five-game losing streak, offering a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced if/when a dismissal occur down the line.

Fan Correspondence

• "Further to the discussion of a potential club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a Highland League club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"